Since when did my cute adorable son with such a delicate appetite start eating for a football team? In addition to two protein shakes daily, he requires many snacks, breakfast, lunch and TWO dinners and many more snacks. Forget the Parisian diet of 3 meals and no snacks. In this house the kitchen is like Grand Central Station.
And God forbid I want something as simple as a PB&J. I go to the refrigerator the mission: make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. First I get the bread out, only the two end pieces left, to be expected. Next, the peanut butter. I take out the jar and lo and behold its as clean as a Tiffany catalogue vase and you know it must have taken a lot of scraping to get the peanut butter off the sides. Next comes the jelly, hopeful, I spy the jar, but of course there’s nothing left. Every time I go to get something it’s either empty of not there.
I’m in my shower totally wet, I go to get the shampoo and where in the world is the shampoo? My lovely daughter has kidnapped it to one of two places: her shower or swim bag. Needless to say as I drip water all over the wooden floors trying to locate it, I curse myself for not checking my shower before I started to see if someone pilfered it.
It never ends. I go to my desk with 10% power in my iPhone and iPad and all three cubes and charging cords are gone. Extension cords disappear and seltzer evaporates. There must be an abyss where all the mugs, glasses and teaspoons disappear. Wait I found them in my kids’ bedroom and bathroom. Don’t get my started on why anyone would ever need a teaspoon or teacup in the bathroom?
And the towels. I was raised in a house with 7 people and one bathroom. The line outside the bathroom started forming at 7:00 am on weekdays. We were allotted less than three minutes to brush teeth, go to the bathroom, and wash up before the complaints of the others in line would begin. We shared towel racks and each of us got one bath towel to last the week. I wouldn’t be exaggerating to say my son can go through 3 bath towels a day and of course they all end up on the wooden floors, wet. Apparently one now requires the morning shower, the after work out shower, possibly the epsom salt soak bath due to sore muscles and then the before sleep shower to relax. Each bathing incident requires a new bath towel and wash cloth. You can definitely see by the healthy abundant green grass in the backyard where my cesspool is located.
Missing food, dirty towels, where does it end, if it ever does? How was I to know if dinner is served before 6:30 another one is needed by 9:00. If I say something like get some cookies or chips, it’s tantamount to committing child abuse. “No! I need a meal. Something healthy. Not junk food!” Frozen food was invented for a reason. I remember when a Swanson Turkey Dinner was something to look forward to and savour. I mean it was a hell of a lot better than Dinty Moore or chicken in a can.
I just need to realize the laundry and shopping will never abate no matter how frequently its done. I have raised these discerning, perfectionist, demanding creatures and God help them when I retire to Hawaii.
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